Showing posts with label The Power of Now. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Power of Now. Show all posts

Monday, June 13, 2011

Chapter 45: What do YOU think?

What do YOU think about the information Dr. Mark Hyman presents in this video?

It took about a year to make all of the changes my psychiatrist recommended at the Amen Clinic.  The dosages of my medications are stable now and I feel good!  The improvement was slow, steady, and subtle.  I have the desire to do things again.  I look forward to what I have planned each day when I wake up in the morning, instead of dreading it.  If you are new to my blog, Chapter 42 summarizes my road to recovery.

Chapter 42: FROM DARKNESS TO LIGHT

This video was made before Dr. Hyman's book, The UltraMind Solution, was finished.  You know I think the book is great if you have read other chapters in my blog. =)   I think this book is a must read if you have depression symptoms.

In the video, Dr. Hyman talks about 7 things you can do to help improve depression symptoms.

1.  Try an anti-inflammation elimination diet and remove food allergens
2.  Check for hypothyroidism
3.  Treat vitamin D deficiency
4.  Take Omega 3 Fats
5.  Take adequate amounts of B12, Folate, and B6
6.  Check for mercury toxicity
7.  Exercise vigorously for 30 minutes, 5 times per week.

 Why Antidepressants Do Not Work For Treating Depression
Mark Hyman, M.D.




Dr. Hyman acknowledges that some people do not heal completely by using the UltraMind Solution.  In the "Special Considerations" section of the book, The UltraMind Solution, page 387, Dr. Hyman says:

When You Need Therapy

"Sometimes it is not a toxin, allergen, infection, or nutrient-poor diet that makes us depressed or mentally ill.  Sometimes it is just life itself---a divorce, childhood trauma, the death of a loved one, a crazy boss, or a major trauma.
     During those times in life, seeking help from a trained psychotherapist, a social worker, or even a personal coach can be lifesaving and may help guide you through troubled times.
     In traditional cultures, the family and social structure provided a container and meaning for all life's events.  Today, unfortunately, many of us are left alone to struggle through life's transitions and questions.  Getting support can help you heal and recover along with the UltraMind Solution."

When You Need Medication

"As a former emergency room physician, I recognize that extreme times call for extreme measures.  I use and support the intelligent, appropriate use of medication, including psychotropic medications when needed.  They can often be helpful as a bridge for recovery from all the stresses and toxins that affect our brain and mind.
     It may take months or years to heal from damage that has occurred over a lifetime.  In extreme cases, the damage may be so deep that full recovery is not possible using the UltraMind Solution (although most see remarkable results in a few weeks).  In some cases, combining medication with the tools of the UltraMind Solution can give people their lives back.
     Working with an experienced psychopharmacologist who welcomes the integration of nutrition, supplements, exercise, and mind-body therapies is sometimes a necessary step to recovering a whole life.
     Many times medications can be reduced or eliminated after applying the principles found in the UltraMind Solution."

I am one of "the cases" where combining medications with the tools of the UltraMind Solution gave me my life back.  Thank you Dr. Daniel Amen, and everyone at the Amen Clinic in Newport Beach, California.  The psychiatrist I worked with at the Amen Clinic was exceptional!  Thank you Dr. Mark Hyman for The UltraMind Solution.  I learned so much from the book and the changes I made to my diet and lifestyle helped me heal.  Thank you Eckhart Tolle for helping me change the way I think.  Reading the books, The Power of Now, and A New Earth, taught me to live in the moment.  Doing this brings me peace!

I am still saving my money to go to the The UltraWellness Center in Lennox, MA.  I need their help to find out if I could be off medications and still be free of depression symptoms, or if I am one of those people who will still need medication even if my body is balanced. 


Monday, April 11, 2011

Chapter 42: FROM DARKNESS TO LIGHT

I would definitely describe the symptoms of depression as darkness.  To bring the light back in to my body and life has taken all of the following:

Trip to the Amen Clinic in Newport Beach, California:  a higher level of education to diagnose and treat my specific psychiatric disorders.  The SPECT brain scans provided information to help in prescribing medication that had the highest chance of being effective for me.

Chapter 1: Depression, Amen Clinics, Amino Acids
Chapter 2: Back to School, Father Died


Medications 

Generic Luvox:  50 mg morning 75 mg afternoon
Effexor XR:  112.5 mg morning
Generic Neurontin:  300 mg 4 times per day


Effexor XR 

Chapter 15: Clonazepam The Beast, Effexor XR 
Chapter 16: Effexor XR, Live My Life In The Now 
Chapter 19: Effexor XR, Enlightened Relationships 
Chapter 25: Effexor XR, $260.59 or $160.80 Every Month 
Chapter 35: FEELING SOME RELIEF, Antidepressant Medications 


Getting Off The Drug Clonazepam 

Chapter 12: I Hate Clonazepam, Supplements 
Chapter 15: Clonazepam The Beast, Effexor XR 


Supplements

Chapter 10: Detailed Treatment Plan 
Chapter 12: I Hate Clonazepam, Supplements 
Chapter 32: 6,000 mg Of Fish Oil A Day 


Fish Oil, Omega 3 Fatty Acids 6,000 mg Per Day 

Chapter 32: 6,000 mg Of Fish Oil A Day 


Raised My Vitamin D Level from 20 to 45, then to 72  

Chapter 29: Do you know what your Vitamin D level is?


Depression is a Disease  

Chapter 23: Angry At The Disease 
Chapter 24: Effexor XR, Please "Kick In" Soon
Chapter 31: Don't Stop Believing
Chapter 36: Blood Type & Diet, Healing Depression Symptoms 


Exercise & Endorphins

Chapter 33: Endorphins - Natural Morphine 


Reading the Books, The Power of Now, and A New Earth, by Eckhart Tolle.  Changing my thinking and living in the Now.

Chapter 5: A New Earth, Changing The Way I Think 
Chapter 6: Ego, Pain-Body, Live In The Present 
Chapter 14: Normal Day, The Power of Now  
Chapter 16: Effexor XR, Live My Life In The Now  
Chapter 18: "Fulfillment, Peace, Life in all its Fullness." 
Chapter 39: The Constant Chatter In My Mind Is Not Me 
Chapter 40: EGO 
Chapter 41: PAIN-BODY


Enlightened Relationships 

Chapter 19: Effexor XR, Enlightened Relationships  


Reading the Book, The UltraMind Solution, by Mark Hyman, M.D.  This led to food sensitivity testing and diet changes.

Chapter 7: Keys To UltraWellness, Food Sensitivity 
Chapter 12: I Hate Clonazepam, Supplements 
Chapter 21: Healing A "Broken Brain" 


The Link Between Inflammation and Depression 

Chapter 37: Treat INFLAMMATION Ease DEPRESSION?
Chapter 38: Depression and Inflammation ARE Linked 


Mercury Toxicity 

Chapter 26: Is Mercury Toxicity Causing Depression?
Chapter 27: Has the Mercury I Have Been Exposed to Caused Toxicity?




Sunday, March 13, 2011

Chapter 39: The Constant Chatter In My Mind Is Not Me


I know my mind is not me.  I know the constant chatter in my head is not me.  If I do not become the watcher of my mind, my ego and pain-body analyze the past over and over and make up outrageous scenarios for the future.  They judge, criticize, compare, complain, lament, whine, degrade and take a position.

If I am present and watching what my mind is saying, I can question what is being said.  If it is not true and I recognize it, I will save myself from experiencing the emotions that go with the thoughts.  I do not want to waste time and energy trying to solve problems that have been made up by my ego or pain-body.  Staying in the present, living in the moment, has reduced the stress in my life.  For me, this has been an important part of the healing process from the disease depression. 

I learned how to change my thinking from Eckhart Tolle and his books.  I have talked about these books in many chapters of my blog.  "The Power of Now", Chapter 6, Chapter 14, Chapter 16, Chapter 18, and Chapter 19"A New Earth", Chapter 5, Chapter 6, and Chapter 19.  I don't agree with all of the concepts Eckhart Tolle teaches, but most of them I do.  Some of his beliefs do not correspond to the religious teachings I believe. I have written quite a bit about the things he taught me that have changed my life for the better.  I would also like to write about my religious beliefs that are different than his.  I will do that. =)       

There have been times in the past when a thought has come into my head that I didn't like, or wasn't consistent with what I believe.  It was awesome to learn that this type of thought came from my ego or pain-body.  The present part of me, or what I like to call my higher self, would not have a thought like that and I can dismiss it without feeling guilty about thinking it.  Being present, or in my higher self, brings more peace into my life.  I have to make a conscious effort every day to have my higher self be in charge of my life.

How Stress, Anxiety, and Depression Affect Your Health

WebMD

Reviewed by Amal Chakraburtty, MD on March 01, 2010
© 2010 WebMD, LLC. All rights reserved. 

How Does Stress Affect Health?

Controlling stress is important to our health. Unrelenting stress can turn to distress. Stress is the body's reaction to any change that requires a physical, mental, or emotional adjustment or response. Stress is a normal part of life. Many events that happen to you and around you -- and many things that you do to yourself -- put stress on your body. Some stress can be good. It keeps us alert, motivated, and ready to avoid danger. But too much stress can make us sick.

Stress that continues without relief can lead to a condition called distress -- a negative stress reaction. Distress can disturb the body's internal balance or equilibrium, leading to physical symptoms such as headaches, an upset stomach, elevated blood pressure, chest pain, sexual dysfunction, and problems sleeping. Emotional problems can also result from distress. These problems include depression, panic attacks, or other forms of anxiety and worry. Research suggests that stress also can bring on or worsen certain symptoms or diseases. Stress is linked to six of the leading causes of death: heart disease, cancer, lung ailments, accidents, cirrhosis of the liver, and even suicide.

Stress also becomes harmful when people engage in the compulsive use of substances or behaviors to try to relieve their stress. These substances or behaviors may include food, alcohol, tobacco, drugs, gambling, sex, shopping, and the Internet. Rather than relieving the stress and returning the body to a relaxed state, these substances and compulsive behaviors tend to keep the body in a stressed state causing more problems. The distressed person becomes trapped in a vicious circle. 


By Rick Nauert PhD Senior News Editor
Reviewed by John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on April 12, 2010  


Researchers have discovered a biological link between stress, anxiety and depression. 

Lead researcher Stephen Ferguson believes that the connecting mechanism in the brain explains how stress and anxiety could lead to depression. The study also reveals a small molecule inhibitor, developed by Ferguson, which may provide a new and better way to treat anxiety, depression and other related disorders.

The findings are published online in the journal Nature Neuroscience.

Ferguson, Ana Magalhaes and their colleagues used a behavioral mouse model and a series of molecular experiments to reveal the connection pathway and to test the new inhibitor. 

“We’ve gone from mechanism to mouse, and the next step is to see whether or not we can take the inhibitor we developed, and turn it into a pharmaceutical agent.”

The research was conducted in collaboration with Hymie Anisman at Carleton University, and funded through the Canadian Institutes of Health Research (CIHR).

“According to the World Health Organization, depression, anxiety and other related mood disorders now share the dubious distinction of being the most prevalent causes of chronic illness,” says Anthony Phillips, the scientific director of the CIHR Institute of Neurosciences, Mental Health and Addiction.

“Using the power of molecular biology, Stephen Ferguson and colleagues provide novel insights that may be the key to improving the lives of so many individuals coping with these forms of mental ill health.”

The linking mechanism in the study involves the interaction between corticotropin releasing factor receptor 1 (CRFR1) and specific types of serotonin receptors (5-HTRs).

While no one has been able to connect these two receptors on a molecular level, the study reveals that CRFR1 works to increase the number of 5-HTRs on cell surfaces in the brain, which can cause abnormal brain signaling.

Since CRFR1 activation leads to anxiety in response to stress, and 5-HTRs lead to depression, the research shows how stress, anxiety and depression pathways connect through distinct 
processes in the brain.

Most importantly, the inhibitor developed by the Ferguson lab blocks 5-HTRs in the pathway to combat anxious behavior, and potentially depression, in mice.

While major depressive disorder often occurs together with anxiety disorder in patients, the causes for both are strongly linked to stressful experiences. Stressful experiences can also make the symptoms of anxiety and depression more severe.

By discovering and then blocking a pathway responsible for the link between stress, anxiety and depression, Ferguson not only provides the first biological evidence for a connection, but he also pioneers the development of a potential drug for more effective treatment.

Genetic Link Between Stress and Depression

Study Shows People With a Genetic Mutation May Be More Likely to Develop Depression

By Jennifer Warner
WebMD Health News

Feb. 7, 2011 -- A gene that influences how the brain responds to stress may also play a key role in depression.

A new study shows people with a certain genetic mutation that causes them to produce less of the brain chemical neuropeptide Y (NPY) have a more intense negative emotional response to stress and may be more likely to develop depression than others.

Researchers found low levels of neuropeptide Y caused a stronger emotional response to negative stimuli and physiological response to pain in the brain, which may make people less resilient in the face of stress and more prone to depression.

"We've identified a biomarker -- in this case genetic variation -- that is linked with increased risk of major depression," says researcher Jon-Kar Zubieta, MD, PhD, professor of psychiatry and radiology at the University of Michigan, in a news release. "This appears to be another mechanism, independent of previous targets in depression research, such as serotonin, dopamine and norepinephrine." 

Genetic Link to Depression

In three separate tests, researchers looked at the link between this genetic mutation and depression in 39 adults with depression and 113 healthy adults. The results are published in the Archives of General Psychiatry.

First, researchers measured the amount of NPY expression in each of the participants and used functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) to measure the brain's response to positive, neutral, or negative words like "hopeful," "material," or "murderer."

The results showed people with low levels of this brain molecule had much more activity in an area of the brain associated with regulating emotions, the prefrontal cortex, than those with high levels. 

Response to Stress

In a second experiment, researchers measured the response to a stressful event involving injecting saline solution into a jaw muscle, which produces moderate pain for about 20 minutes, but no lasting harm.

The study showed those with low neuropeptide Y rated their emotional response as more negative while anticipating the event before and immediately after the event while reflecting on their experience.

"This tells us that individuals with the risk-associated NPY gene variant tend to activate this key brain region more than other people, even in the absence of stress and before psychiatric symptoms are present," says researcher Brian Mickey, MD, PhD, assistant professor in the department of psychiatry at the University of Michigan Medical School, in the news release.
Finally, researchers found participants with this genetic variation were much more likely to have been diagnosed with depression than those without it.

"These are genetic features that can be measured in any person. We hope they can guide us toward assessing an individual's risk for developing depression and anxiety," Mickey says.

SOURCES: Mickey, B. Archives of General Psychiatry, February 2011; vol 68: pp 158-166.News release, University of Michigan Health System.

©2011 WebMD, LLC. All Rights Reserved.



I am excited about the research that may lead to new treatment options for depression.  Below is a summary of the two research articles above. 

1.  CRFR1 (corticotropin releasing factor receptor 1) works to increase the number of 5-HTRs (specific types of serotonin receptors) on cell surfaces in the brain, which can cause abnormal brain signaling.  CRFR1 activation leads to anxiety in response to stress, and 5-HTRs lead to depression.  The research shows how stress, anxiety, and depression pathways connect through distinct processes in the brain.  This is the first biological evidence for a connection between stress, anxiety, and depression.  

The small molecule inhibitor developed by the Ferguson lab blocks 5-HTRs in the pathway to combat anxious behavior, and potentially depression, in mice.  The researchers are hoping to take the inhibitor they developed, and turn it into a pharmaceutical agent.

2.  People with a genetic mutation that causes them to produce less of the brain chemical neuropeptide Y (NPY), have a more intense negative emotional response to stress and may be more likely to develop depression than others.  People with low levels of this brain molecule had much more activity in an area of the brain associated with regulating emotions, the prefrontal cortex, than those with high levels. 

Individuals with the risk-associated NPY gene variant tend to activate this key brain region more than other people, and participants with this genetic variation were much more likely to have been diagnosed with depression than those without it.  This information will help in assessing an individual's risk for developing depression and anxiety, and may lead to a way to manipulate NPY to improve depression and anxiety symptoms.

Lowering my stress levels help me manage the depression symptoms.  Regular aerobic exercise and weight training help me reduce stress.  I feel the best when I use our Cross Trainer (eliptical) every day, but that doesn't always happen.  

Changing my thinking patterns have also been a great help in lowering stress.  Eckhart Tolle teaches, "Wherever you are, be there totally.  If you find your here and now intolerable and it makes you unhappy, you have three options:  remove yourself from the situation, change it, or accept it totally.  If you want to take responsibility for your life, you must choose one of those three options, and you must choose now."  "The Power of Now", page 82.

What do you do to reduce your stress levels?  Does it help manage your depression symptoms?  Please share.



Sunday, August 1, 2010

Chapter 19: Effexor XR, Enlightened Relationships

I Can See a Normal Day in the Distance!

Last Wednesday I raised the dose of Effexor XR to 112.5 mg, and lowered the dose of Luvox to 25 mg two times per day.  I am feeling a shaky optimism. The changes are subtle, but I am feeling a little bit better; less fatigue, more energy, more desire to do things (especially in the late afternoon and evenings).  I'm not telling anyone but you. :)  This would be a gigantic breakthrough for me if I continue to feel more relief from my symptoms!

The disease of depression has taken a huge emotional toll on me.  Having everything in life be an effort is draining.  If you have been reading my blog, you already know I love the books, The Power of Now, and A New Earth, by Eckhart Tolle.  Prayer and the concepts in these books have not only helped me survive, but taught me skills that have helped with my healing.  These skills have helped me feel some happiness and joy, even though I am depressed.  I have talked about these concepts a lot in previous chapters of my blog.

The section on enlightened relationships in, The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle was extremely insightful for me, and a relief.  I will explain why.

In Chapter 8, page 159, Tolle says, "Never before have relationships been as problematic and conflict ridden as they are now.  As you may have noticed, they are not here to make you happy or fulfilled.  If you continue to pursue the goal of salvation through a relationship, you will be disillusioned again and again.  But if you accept that the relationship is here to make you conscious instead of happy, then the relationship will offer you salvation, and you will be aligning yourself with the higher consciousness that wants to be born into this world.  For those who hold on to the old patterns, there will be increasing pain, violence, confusion, and madness."

I talked about Tolle's definition of salvation in Chapter 18; here is a quick review.  "True salvation is fulfillment, peace, life in all its fullness.  True salvation is a state of freedom --- from fear, from suffering, from a perceived state of lack and insufficiency and therefore from all wanting, needing, grasping, and clinging."   My definition of salvation used to be having eternal life after I die.  Tolle's definition has broadened my perspective.  I believe eternal life will offer me all of the things mentioned in Tolle's definition of salvation; but I have started to feel a taste of "salvation" here on earth.  I have a strong desire to change my thinking, live in the Now, stay in my inner being or higher self, control my mind --- ego --- and pain-body, and not let the past or future be the focus of my life.  These are my goals as the depression heals.

I believe I am the only person that has the power to make me happy.  There is not a relationship in my life that can do it for me!  My relationships give me the opportunity to learn and practice the skills I mentioned above.  Tolle's teaching of these ideas was enlightening to me and a big relief. 

In Chapter 8, pages 147-148, Tolle explains, "Unless and until you access the consciousness frequency of presence, all relationships, and particularly intimate relationships, are deeply flawed and ultimately dysfunctional.  They may seem perfect for a while, such as when you are "in love", but invariably that apparent perfection gets disrupted as arguments, conflicts, dissatisfaction, and emotional or even physical violence occur with increasing frequency.  It seems that most 'love relationships' become love/hate relationships before long.  Love can then turn into savage attack, feelings of hostility, or complete withdrawal of affection at the flick of a switch.  This is considered normal.

The relationship then oscillates for a while, a few months or a few years, between the polarities of 'love' and hate, and it gives you as much pleasure as it gives you pain.  It is not uncommon for couples to become addicted to those cycles.  Their drama makes them feel alive.  When a balance between the positive/negative polarities is lost and the negative, destructive cycles occur with increasing frequency and intensity, which tends to happen sooner or later, then it will not be long before the relationship finally collapses."

Page 152, . . . "Intimate relationships do not cause pain and unhappiness.  They bring out the pain and unhappiness that is already in you.  Every addiction does that.  Every addiction reaches a point where it does not work for you anymore, and then you feel the pain more intensely than ever."

Page 153-154, . . . "You can change an addictive relationship into a true one by being present and intensifying your presence by taking your attention ever more deeply into the Now:  Whether you are living alone or with a partner, this remains the key.  For love to flourish, the light of your presence needs to be strong enough so that you no longer get taken over by the thinker or the pain-body and mistake them for who you are.  To know yourself as the Being underneath the thinker, the stillness underneath the mental noise, the love and joy underneath the pain, is freedom, salvation, enlightenment.  To disidentify from the pain-body is to bring presence into the pain and thus transmute it.  To disidentify from thinking is to be the silent watcher of your thoughts and behavior, especially the repetitive patterns of your mind and the roles played by the ego."

Page 160-161, "If you both agree that the relationship will be your spiritual practice, so much the better.  You can then express your thoughts and feelings to each other as soon as they occur, or as soon as a reaction comes up, so that you do not create a time gap in which an unexpressed or unacknowledged emotion or grievance can fester and grow.  Learn to give expression to what you feel without blaming.  Learn to listen to your partner in an open, nondefensive way.  Give your partner space for expressing himself or herself.  Be present.  Accusing, defending, attacking --- all those patterns that are designed to strengthen or protect the ego or to get its needs met will then become redundant.

Giving space to others --- and to yourself --- is vital.  Love cannot flourish without it.  When you have removed the two factors that are destructive to relationships --- when the pain-body has been transmuted and you are no longer identified with mind and mental positions --- and if your partner has done the same, you will experience the bliss of the flowering of relationship.  Instead of mirroring to each other your pain and your unconsciousness, instead of satisfying your mutual addictive ego needs, you will reflect back to each other the love that you feel deep within, the love that comes with the realization of your oneness with all that is.  This is the love that has no opposite."

What a challenge for me!




Sunday, July 25, 2010

Chapter 18: "Fulfillment, Peace, Life in all its Fullness."

Sixteen days on Effexor XR, seven of them on the higher dose of 75 mg in the morning.  I decided to not lower Luvox quite so quickly.  I am taking 25 mg in the morning and 37.5 mg in the afternoon.  In three more days I will increase Effexor XR to 112.5 mg and lower Luvox to 25 mg on both doses.  I have had short periods of time where I feel the depression symptoms are lifting.  I am still not feeling side effects or withdrawal, which is a huge positive!

I am still hopeful.  I am trying to take life a day at a time.  Prayer and faith in my Higher Power to give me direction are sustaining me.  Listening to Eckhart Tolle every day helps me stay focused on the Now, not spending much time in the past or making up a possible future.  Chapter 8 in, The Power of Now, A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment, Tolle explains what he believes salvation is.  

"True salvation is fulfillment, peace, life in all its fullness.  It is to be who you are, to feel within you the good that has no opposite, the joy of Being that depends on nothing outside itself.  It is felt not as a passing experience but as an abiding presence.  In theistic language, it is to 'know God' --- not as something outside you but as your own innermost essence.  (I believe this is my spirit, which Tolle calls the inner being.  I believe my spirit is a literal offspring of my Higher Power.)  True salvation is to know yourself as an inseparable part of the timeless and formless One Life from which all that exists derives its being.

True salvation is a state of freedom --- from fear, from suffering, from a perceived state of lack and insufficiency and therefore from all wanting, needing, grasping, and clinging.  It is freedom from compulsive thinking, from negativity, and above all from past and future as a psychological need.  Your mind is telling you that you cannot get there from here.  Something needs to happen, or you need to become this or that before you can be free and fulfilled.  It is saying, in fact, that you need time --- that you need to find, sort out, do, achieve, acquire, become, or understand something before you can be free or complete.  

You see time as the means to salvation, whereas in truth it is the greatest obstacle to salvation.  You think that you can't get there from where and who you are at this moment because you are not yet complete or good enough, but the truth is that here and now is the only point from where you can get there.  You 'get' there by realizing that you are there already.  You find God the moment you realize that you don't need to seek God.  So there is no only way to salvation:  Any condition can be used, but no particular condition is needed.  However, there is only one point of access: the Now.  There can be no salvation away from this moment.

There is nothing you can ever do or attain that will get you closer to salvation than it is at this moment.  This may be hard to grasp for a mind accustomed to thinking that everything worthwhile is in the future.  Nor can anything that you ever did or that was done to you in the past prevent you from saying yes to what is and taking your attention deeply into the Now.  You cannot do this in the future.  You do it now or not at all."

Fulfillment, peace, life in all its fullness ... a state of freedom --- from fear, from suffering, from a perceived state of lack and insufficiency, wanting, needing, grasping, and clinging ... freedom from compulsive thinking, from negativity, and above all from past and future as a psychological need.  This is what I want.  I am getting better at Living in the Now everyday.



Saturday, July 10, 2010

Chapter 16: Effexor XR, Live My Life In The Now

A NORMAL DAY FOR ME, I BELIEVE YOU ARE ON YOUR WAY!

I started taking 37.5 mg of Effexor XR this morning.  I cut my 50 mg Luvox tablet down to 37.5 mg for both doses.  I will continue on these amounts for 7-10 days.  If I do not experience side effects, I will increase the Effexor XR to 75 mg and lower Luvox to 25 mg per dose next.  I will continue to increase Effexor XR until I feel improvement in my anxiety and depression symptoms.  My psychiatrist at the Amen Clinic has recommended I raise the dosage to 225 mg, if I don't feel better at a lower dose.  I will talk to him again the first week in August.  He is positive and supportive and keeps me motivated.  He reminds me what an accomplishment it is to have been off the beast (Klonopin) for 9 weeks!

I had an appointment with a psychiatrist here in my own city that supports my visit to the Amen Clinic.  AWESOME!  I learned a lot at my appointment with him, it was intellectually stimulating, and he was helpful.  AWESOME!  Thank you for being a doctor who thinks progressively and is so comfortable in his own skin that my visit to the Amen Clinic is not threatening to him.  Did I tell you how AWESOME I think this is! :)

I have been listening to, The Power of Now, on CD by Eckhart Tolle every day.  His words keep me focused on recovery and not stuck in the misery of not feeling well.  Every night in my prayers I ask for help in understanding and integrating these concepts in my life.  I believe these concepts are teachings my Higher Power wants me to understand.  They correlate with scriptures I have read for many years.

I love these words by Tolle, "Have you ever experienced, done, thought, or felt anything outside the Now?  Do you think you ever will?  Is it possible for anything to happen or be outside the Now?  The answer is obvious, is it not?

Nothing ever happened in the past; it happened in the Now.

Nothing will ever happen in the future; it will happen in the Now.

What you think of as the past is a memory trace, stored in the mind, of a former Now.  When you remember the past, you reactivate a memory trace--and you do so now.  The future is an imagined Now, a projection of the mind.  When the future comes, it comes as the Now.  When you think about the future, you do it now.  Past and future obviously have no reality of their own.  Just as the moon has no light of its own, but can only reflect the light of the sun, so are past and future only pale reflections of the light, power, and reality of the eternal present.  Their reality is 'borrowed' from the Now.

The essence of what I am saying here cannot be understood by the mind.  The moment you grasp it, there is a shift in consciousness from mind to Being, from time to presence.  Suddenly, everything feels alive, radiates energy, emanates Being.

Since ancient times, spiritual masters of all traditions have pointed to the Now as the key to the spiritual dimension.  Despite this, it seems to have remained a secret.  It is certainly not taught in churches and temples.  If you go to a church, you may hear reading from the Gospels such as 'Take no thought for the morrow; for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself,' or 'Nobody who puts his hands to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.'  Or you might hear the passage about the beautiful flowers that are not anxious about tomorrow but live with ease in the timeless Now and are provided for abundantly by God.  The depth and radical nature of these teachings are not recognized.  No one seems to realize that they are meant to be lived and so bring about a profound inner transformation."

I want this inner transformation.  Is it really possible for me to be so completely present that no problem or suffering; nothing that is not who I am in my essence, can survive in me?  In the Now, in the absence of time, can all my problems dissolve?  I want to find out!



Saturday, June 5, 2010

Chapter 14: Normal Day, The Power of Now


I am longing for a regular, normal day.  I want to feel well; a day where survival is not my main goal. My sister has a quote on the bottom of her emails I like.  It says, "Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are," by Mary Jean Iron.  This is the full quote:  "Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are.  Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart.  Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow.  Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so.  One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return." 

I know in my soul that wanting a regular, normal day is not appreciating the day I am having.  This has been a challenge for me as I have been experiencing withdrawal symptoms from clonazepam, and healing depression.  I am trying to live in the moment, to be present.  I have been listening to the audio book ,The Power of Now, by Eckhart TolleDaily prayer, and the teachings in this book are sustaining me each day.  If you have read other posts on my blog you know I am a fan of Tolle.

On page 15 of, The Power of Now, A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment, Eckhart Tolle says, "The philosopher Descartes believed that he had found the most fundamental truth when he made his famous statement:  'I think, therefore I am.'  He had, in fact, given expression to the most basic error:  to equate thinking with Being and identity with thinking.  The compulsive thinker, which means almost everyone, lives in a state of apparent separateness, in an insanely complex world of continuous problems and conflict, a world that reflects the ever-increasing fragmentation of the mind.  Enlightenment is a state of wholeness, of being 'at one' and therefore at peace.  At one with life in its manifested aspect, the world, as well as with your deepest self and life unmanifested --- at one with Being.  Enlightenment is not only the end of suffering and of continuous conflict within and without, but also the end of the dreadful enslavement to incessant thinking.  What an incredible liberation this is!"

Tolle explains further what he means by living in a state of apparent separateness on page 31.  "Humans have been in the grip of pain for eons, ever since they fell from the state of grace, entered the realm of time and mind, and lost awareness of Being.  At that point, they started to perceive themselves as meaningless fragments in an alien universe, unconnected to the Source and to each other. . .Pain is inevitable as long as you are identified with your mind, which is to say as long as you are unconscious, spiritually speaking."

More about pain on page 33, "The pain that you create now is always some form of nonacceptance, some form of unconscious resistance to what is. On the level of thought, the resistance is some form of judgment.  On the emotional level, it is some form of negativity.  The intensity of the pain depends on the degree of resistance to the present moment, and this in turn depends on how strongly you are identified with your mind.  The mind always seeks to deny the Now and to escape from it.  In other words, the more you are identified with your mind, the more you suffer.  Or you may put it like this:  The more you are able to honor and accept the Now, the more you are free of pain, of suffering --- and free of the egoic mind."

How do we stop creating time?  On page 35 Tolle teaches, "Realize deeply that the present moment is all you ever have.  Make the Now the primary focus of your life.  Whereas before you dwelt in time and paid brief visits to the Now, have your dwelling place in the Now and pay brief visits to past and future when required to deal with the practical aspects of your life situation.  Always say 'yes' to the present moment.  What could be more futile, more insane, than to create inner resistance to something that already is?  What could be more insane than to oppose life itself, which is now and always now?  Surrender to what is.  Say 'yes' to life --- and see how life suddenly starts working for you rather than against you."

I believe living in the Now and helping my "higher self" run my life (not my egoic mind) will help me feel better.  I don't think it will heal the disease of depression.  This disease is too severe for me.  I am trying every day to stop my mind from making up stories of how the future is going to be, and how my day is going to be.  This is very hard for me!  I am making a good effort in exploring every possible way to help me heal, and I am staying on my medication.  I am having a difficult time being patient.



Sunday, April 11, 2010

Chapter 6: Ego, Pain-Body, Live In The Present

Freedom from the pain-body comes from realizing I have one. This knowledge helps me stay present and alert enough to notice the pain-body in myself as a flood of negative emotions. When I recognize my pain-body, it can no longer pretend to be me and live and renew itself through me.

It is possible to rise above the egoic mind and the pain-body.  I do this by living in the Now, the present.  The ego will treat the present moment as a means to an end, as an obstacle, or as an enemy.  I am able to decide what kind of a relationship I want to have with the present moment.  The present moment is inseparable from life, so I am really deciding what kind of a relationship I want to have with life.  Tolle writes, "Life is always now.  Your entire life unfolds in this constant Now.  Even past or future moments only exist when you remember or anticipate them, and you do so by thinking about them in the only moment there is:  this one."

Tolle defines awakening this way, "Awakening is a shift in consciousness in which thinking and awareness separate. . .Instead of being lost in your thinking, when you are awake you recognize yourself as the awareness behind it.  Thinking then ceases to be a self-serving autonomous activity that takes possession of you and runs your life.  Awareness takes over from thinking.  Instead of being in charge of your life, thinking becomes the servant of awareness.  Awareness is conscious connection with universal intelligence.  Another word for it is Presence:  consciousness without thought."

This is a summary of what I learned from Eckhart Tolle in, A New Earth.  I already believed I have a spirit and there is a "higher power" before I read the book.
  1. Do not believe every thought you have.  Question every thought.  Do not let your body feel the emotions from a thought that is probably not true.
  2. The incessant voice in my head comes from the ego and not my higher self.  The ego is an illusory self.
  3. The pain-body feeds on negative thoughts and produces more of them.  Be Present so you can identify the pain-body and not let it control your life very often.
  4. Live in the Now, the present.  My life is a constant unfolding of the Now.  Learn from experiences.
  5. Be aware.  Let your thinking be a servant of that awareness.  Rely even more on your "higher power" each day to help you.  You have been trying to do too much on your own.
After finishing, A New Earth, I listened to the CDs of, The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle.  This book goes into more detail on the information in, A New Earth.  Every day I practice controlling my thoughts.  I think this is an important part of my treatment plan for depression.  I love these two books!  :)