Chapter 4: No To Suicide, 15 Drug Combinations

This motivation was the beginning of trying 15 different drug combinations in the next year and a half. I counted them. They needed to be listed on my history for the Amen Clinic. Most of the combinations made me feel worse. The memory of two particular days are seered into my mind. I felt suicidal and was on my own suicide watch. I cried and prayed I could get the thoughts of how to do it out of my mind.

I could not do it because of my sons, but I could not handle the misery anymore. I was 40 years old when my mom died, and 55 when my dad died. Dealing with the death of a parent was hard enough being an older adult, but my sons were only 20 and 28. My therapist told me my sons would never recover if I committed suicide. My belief in that statement helped me hold on.

In January 2009, I had my hormones tested after it was suggested by a friend. I found out my hormones were extremely low and I was diagnosed with adrenal fatigue. I started on bioidentical hormones, but did not feel an improvement in how I felt. My body was not absorbing the hormones through rubbing the cream into my skin. My body did not absorb progesterone as expected and my prescription has had increased amounts for the past 10 months. I am going to continue working with my provider to get my hormones balanced. I also took supplements to increase the function of my adrenal glands.

During the summer of 2009, I was taking Luvox 50 mg in the morning and 50 mg in the afternoon. I was getting a partial response from the medication. My doctor added Ritalin on a Thursday afternoon. I got the prescription filled and took a pill after my appointment. Soon after I felt as if my brain was waking up. I felt good that evening and for the next three days. I was excited, thinking we had finally found the combination of drugs my brain needed. Anxiety started to set in on Monday, and increased during the week to the point I could not tolerate it. I quit taking Ritalin and my hope was gone.

This same routine of feeling better and then having anxiety set in happened each time I tried Ritalin, or Wellbutrin. It also happened in January 2010 when I added SAM-e to the Luvox I was taking. I felt a little better for a month and then the anxiety began. Lowering the dose was not helpful and I quit the supplement.

The next appointment I had with my psychiatrist she suggested I consider ECT, electroconvulsive therapy, or TMS, transcranial magnetic stimulation. Both were being done at the University Neuropsychiatric Institute in my area. It was time to do my own research in deciding what to do next. There had to be better answers to my health problems.