Chapter 20: Acupuncture, Relaxed Wanderer

The needles were thin and I could barely feel them go through my skin.  She used them on many parts of my body and I had some on my face; above my nose and on my forehead.  She was treating my depression symptoms and for pain in my lower back from a herniated disc.  I laid quietly listening to the music and completely relaxed.  It was a restful, rejuvenating experience.  After the half hour quiet time she came in, removed the needles, and rubbed Dragon Balm (an external analgesic) on my skin.  The balm was warm and then cool and the scent was invigorating.  (Dragon Balm can help relieve a headache.  I rub a small amount on my temples and it helps soothe the pain away.)

After my first acupuncture session I felt calm and looked forward to seeing if I would be able to come off antidepressant medication and feel good without it.  I had researched treating depression with acupuncture on the Internet and there were many case histories of it being successful.  I started lowering the dose of my antidepressant and began taking a combination of herbs called Relaxed Wanderer Formulation.

My first acupuncture appointment was in the month of July.  I was lowering my antidepressant dose extremely slowly because I have experienced withdrawal symptoms from every psychiatric medication I have stopped taking.  My acupuncture sessions were relaxing and enjoyable for about three months.  Then I started to notice my thinking was changing and I wasn't feeling as good.  Two more herbs were added to my regimen and I don't even remember what they were.  I started to write down how I was feeling and what I was thinking.

I no longer looked forward to my appointments.  The half hour quiet time seemed long and I felt anxious for my provider to come back into the room so I could leave.  I was hoping these feelings would pass and the acupuncture itself, and the herbs would begin to work.  I lost the desire to do things I usually enjoyed, things that were important to me lost their value, I felt tired and irritable, and began feeling I had never accomplished anything in my life.  These are depression symptoms for me, and I knew the acupuncture and herbs weren't working.  Soon after, thoughts of suicide plagued my mind and I knew I needed to go back on the antidepressant.  That is what I did the first part of December.

I was disappointed acupuncture did not help my depression symptoms, but I felt fortunate the antidepressant worked for me after going back on.  My doctor had warned me that for some patients the antidepressant doesn't "kick in" after restarting it.  Fortunately, acupuncture did work on the pain in my lower back.  After 4-5 treatments per month, for 5 months, my back was pain free.  It was agile and felt back to normal.  That outcome was welcomed! 

It was fascinating at first to feel the symptoms of depression returning.  I observed my thinking slowly changing.  Other things in my life during this time hadn't changed.  Without the help of the antidepressant the disease gradually took hold again and within five months the disease was in control.  By December the fascination had changed to misery!  The results of this experience did not talk me out of trying the amino acid therapy many years later.  At this point, I believe I will stay on antidepressant medication long term.

Last Friday morning I made the move up to 150 mg of Effexor XR.  The gradual rise of the dosage has seemed slow-paced, but I am still not feeling any side effects that are strong enough to bother me.  I was taking Effexor several years ago and the side effect of nausea never went away.  The medication was effective on my depression symptoms, but the nausea was constant and irritating so my doctor changed my antidepressant to Zoloft.  

My psychiatrist at the Amen Clinic believes I had a problem with nausea because I started on too high of a dose, and increased it too quickly.  I am relieved I have not felt nauseated.  I am taking approximately 19 mg of Luvox twice per day.  The tablets are getting smaller and smaller.

Normal Day, Please Hasten Your Arrival!

  

Chapter 19: Effexor XR, Enlightened Relationships

I Can See a Normal Day in the Distance!

Last Wednesday I raised the dose of Effexor XR to 112.5 mg, and lowered the dose of Luvox to 25 mg two times per day.  I am feeling a shaky optimism. The changes are subtle, but I am feeling a little bit better; less fatigue, more energy, more desire to do things (especially in the late afternoon and evenings).  I'm not telling anyone but you. :)  This would be a gigantic breakthrough for me if I continue to feel more relief from my symptoms!

The disease of depression has taken a huge emotional toll on me.  Having everything in life be an effort is draining.  If you have been reading my blog, you already know I love the books, The Power of Now, and A New Earth, by Eckhart Tolle.  Prayer and the concepts in these books have not only helped me survive, but taught me skills that have helped with my healing.  These skills have helped me feel some happiness and joy, even though I am depressed.  I have talked about these concepts a lot in previous chapters of my blog.

The section on enlightened relationships in, The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle was extremely insightful for me, and a relief.  I will explain why.

In Chapter 8, page 159, Tolle says, "Never before have relationships been as problematic and conflict ridden as they are now.  As you may have noticed, they are not here to make you happy or fulfilled.  If you continue to pursue the goal of salvation through a relationship, you will be disillusioned again and again.  But if you accept that the relationship is here to make you conscious instead of happy, then the relationship will offer you salvation, and you will be aligning yourself with the higher consciousness that wants to be born into this world.  For those who hold on to the old patterns, there will be increasing pain, violence, confusion, and madness."

I talked about Tolle's definition of salvation in Chapter 18; here is a quick review.  "True salvation is fulfillment, peace, life in all its fullness.  True salvation is a state of freedom --- from fear, from suffering, from a perceived state of lack and insufficiency and therefore from all wanting, needing, grasping, and clinging."   My definition of salvation used to be having eternal life after I die.  Tolle's definition has broadened my perspective.  I believe eternal life will offer me all of the things mentioned in Tolle's definition of salvation; but I have started to feel a taste of "salvation" here on earth.  I have a strong desire to change my thinking, live in the Now, stay in my inner being or higher self, control my mind --- ego --- and pain-body, and not let the past or future be the focus of my life.  These are my goals as the depression heals.

I believe I am the only person that has the power to make me happy.  There is not a relationship in my life that can do it for me!  My relationships give me the opportunity to learn and practice the skills I mentioned above.  Tolle's teaching of these ideas was enlightening to me and a big relief. 

In Chapter 8, pages 147-148, Tolle explains, "Unless and until you access the consciousness frequency of presence, all relationships, and particularly intimate relationships, are deeply flawed and ultimately dysfunctional.  They may seem perfect for a while, such as when you are "in love", but invariably that apparent perfection gets disrupted as arguments, conflicts, dissatisfaction, and emotional or even physical violence occur with increasing frequency.  It seems that most 'love relationships' become love/hate relationships before long.  Love can then turn into savage attack, feelings of hostility, or complete withdrawal of affection at the flick of a switch.  This is considered normal.

The relationship then oscillates for a while, a few months or a few years, between the polarities of 'love' and hate, and it gives you as much pleasure as it gives you pain.  It is not uncommon for couples to become addicted to those cycles.  Their drama makes them feel alive.  When a balance between the positive/negative polarities is lost and the negative, destructive cycles occur with increasing frequency and intensity, which tends to happen sooner or later, then it will not be long before the relationship finally collapses."

Page 152, . . . "Intimate relationships do not cause pain and unhappiness.  They bring out the pain and unhappiness that is already in you.  Every addiction does that.  Every addiction reaches a point where it does not work for you anymore, and then you feel the pain more intensely than ever."

Page 153-154, . . . "You can change an addictive relationship into a true one by being present and intensifying your presence by taking your attention ever more deeply into the Now:  Whether you are living alone or with a partner, this remains the key.  For love to flourish, the light of your presence needs to be strong enough so that you no longer get taken over by the thinker or the pain-body and mistake them for who you are.  To know yourself as the Being underneath the thinker, the stillness underneath the mental noise, the love and joy underneath the pain, is freedom, salvation, enlightenment.  To disidentify from the pain-body is to bring presence into the pain and thus transmute it.  To disidentify from thinking is to be the silent watcher of your thoughts and behavior, especially the repetitive patterns of your mind and the roles played by the ego."

Page 160-161, "If you both agree that the relationship will be your spiritual practice, so much the better.  You can then express your thoughts and feelings to each other as soon as they occur, or as soon as a reaction comes up, so that you do not create a time gap in which an unexpressed or unacknowledged emotion or grievance can fester and grow.  Learn to give expression to what you feel without blaming.  Learn to listen to your partner in an open, nondefensive way.  Give your partner space for expressing himself or herself.  Be present.  Accusing, defending, attacking --- all those patterns that are designed to strengthen or protect the ego or to get its needs met will then become redundant.

Giving space to others --- and to yourself --- is vital.  Love cannot flourish without it.  When you have removed the two factors that are destructive to relationships --- when the pain-body has been transmuted and you are no longer identified with mind and mental positions --- and if your partner has done the same, you will experience the bliss of the flowering of relationship.  Instead of mirroring to each other your pain and your unconsciousness, instead of satisfying your mutual addictive ego needs, you will reflect back to each other the love that you feel deep within, the love that comes with the realization of your oneness with all that is.  This is the love that has no opposite."

What a challenge for me!

Chapter 16: Effexor XR, Live My Life In The Now

A NORMAL DAY FOR ME, I BELIEVE YOU ARE ON YOUR WAY!

I started taking 37.5 mg of Effexor XR this morning.  I cut my 50 mg Luvox tablet down to 37.5 mg for both doses.  I will continue on these amounts for 7-10 days.  If I do not experience side effects, I will increase the Effexor XR to 75 mg and lower Luvox to 25 mg per dose next.  I will continue to increase Effexor XR until I feel improvement in my anxiety and depression symptoms.  My psychiatrist at the Amen Clinic has recommended I raise the dosage to 225 mg, if I don't feel better at a lower dose.  I will talk to him again the first week in August.  He is positive and supportive and keeps me motivated.  He reminds me what an accomplishment it is to have been off the beast (Klonopin) for 9 weeks!

I had an appointment with a psychiatrist here in my own city that supports my visit to the Amen Clinic.  AWESOME!  I learned a lot at my appointment with him, it was intellectually stimulating, and he was helpful.  AWESOME!  Thank you for being a doctor who thinks progressively and is so comfortable in his own skin that my visit to the Amen Clinic is not threatening to him.  Did I tell you how AWESOME I think this is! :)

I have been listening to, The Power of Now, on CD by Eckhart Tolle every day.  His words keep me focused on recovery and not stuck in the misery of not feeling well.  Every night in my prayers I ask for help in understanding and integrating these concepts in my life.  I believe these concepts are teachings my Higher Power wants me to understand.  They correlate with scriptures I have read for many years.

I love these words by Tolle, "Have you ever experienced, done, thought, or felt anything outside the Now?  Do you think you ever will?  Is it possible for anything to happen or be outside the Now?  The answer is obvious, is it not?

Nothing ever happened in the past; it happened in the Now.

Nothing will ever happen in the future; it will happen in the Now.

What you think of as the past is a memory trace, stored in the mind, of a former Now.  When you remember the past, you reactivate a memory trace--and you do so now.  The future is an imagined Now, a projection of the mind.  When the future comes, it comes as the Now.  When you think about the future, you do it now.  Past and future obviously have no reality of their own.  Just as the moon has no light of its own, but can only reflect the light of the sun, so are past and future only pale reflections of the light, power, and reality of the eternal present.  Their reality is 'borrowed' from the Now.

The essence of what I am saying here cannot be understood by the mind.  The moment you grasp it, there is a shift in consciousness from mind to Being, from time to presence.  Suddenly, everything feels alive, radiates energy, emanates Being.

Since ancient times, spiritual masters of all traditions have pointed to the Now as the key to the spiritual dimension.  Despite this, it seems to have remained a secret.  It is certainly not taught in churches and temples.  If you go to a church, you may hear reading from the Gospels such as 'Take no thought for the morrow; for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself,' or 'Nobody who puts his hands to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.'  Or you might hear the passage about the beautiful flowers that are not anxious about tomorrow but live with ease in the timeless Now and are provided for abundantly by God.  The depth and radical nature of these teachings are not recognized.  No one seems to realize that they are meant to be lived and so bring about a profound inner transformation."

I want this inner transformation.  Is it really possible for me to be so completely present that no problem or suffering; nothing that is not who I am in my essence, can survive in me?  In the Now, in the absence of time, can all my problems dissolve?  I want to find out!

Chapter 14: Normal Day, The Power of Now

I am longing for a regular, normal day.  I want to feel well; a day where survival is not my main goal. My sister has a quote on the bottom of her emails I like.  It says, "Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are," by Mary Jean Iron.  This is the full quote:  "Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are.  Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart.  Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow.  Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so.  One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return." 

I know in my soul that wanting a regular, normal day is not appreciating the day I am having.  This has been a challenge for me as I have been experiencing withdrawal symptoms from clonazepam, and healing depression.  I am trying to live in the moment, to be present.  I have been listening to the audio book ,The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle.  Daily prayer, and the teachings in this book are sustaining me each day.  If you have read other posts on my blog you know I am a fan of Tolle.

On page 15 of, The Power of Now, A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment, Eckhart Tolle says, "The philosopher Descartes believed that he had found the most fundamental truth when he made his famous statement:  'I think, therefore I am.'  He had, in fact, given expression to the most basic error:  to equate thinking with Being and identity with thinking.  The compulsive thinker, which means almost everyone, lives in a state of apparent separateness, in an insanely complex world of continuous problems and conflict, a world that reflects the ever-increasing fragmentation of the mind.  Enlightenment is a state of wholeness, of being 'at one' and therefore at peace.  At one with life in its manifested aspect, the world, as well as with your deepest self and life unmanifested --- at one with Being.  Enlightenment is not only the end of suffering and of continuous conflict within and without, but also the end of the dreadful enslavement to incessant thinking.  What an incredible liberation this is!"

Tolle explains further what he means by living in a state of apparent separateness on page 31.  "Humans have been in the grip of pain for eons, ever since they fell from the state of grace, entered the realm of time and mind, and lost awareness of Being.  At that point, they started to perceive themselves as meaningless fragments in an alien universe, unconnected to the Source and to each other. . .Pain is inevitable as long as you are identified with your mind, which is to say as long as you are unconscious, spiritually speaking."

More about pain on page 33, "The pain that you create now is always some form of nonacceptance, some form of unconscious resistance to what is. On the level of thought, the resistance is some form of judgment.  On the emotional level, it is some form of negativity.  The intensity of the pain depends on the degree of resistance to the present moment, and this in turn depends on how strongly you are identified with your mind.  The mind always seeks to deny the Now and to escape from it.  In other words, the more you are identified with your mind, the more you suffer.  Or you may put it like this:  The more you are able to honor and accept the Now, the more you are free of pain, of suffering --- and free of the egoic mind."

How do we stop creating time?  On page 35 Tolle teaches, "Realize deeply that the present moment is all you ever have.  Make the Now the primary focus of your life.  Whereas before you dwelt in time and paid brief visits to the Now, have your dwelling place in the Now and pay brief visits to past and future when required to deal with the practical aspects of your life situation.  Always say 'yes' to the present moment.  What could be more futile, more insane, than to create inner resistance to something that already is?  What could be more insane than to oppose life itself, which is now and always now?  Surrender to what is.  Say 'yes' to life --- and see how life suddenly starts working for you rather than against you."

I believe living in the Now and helping my "higher self" run my life (not my egoic mind) will help me feel better.  I don't think it will heal the disease of depression.  This disease is too severe for me.  I am trying every day to stop my mind from making up stories of how the future is going to be, and how my day is going to be.  This is very hard for me!  I am making a good effort in exploring every possible way to help me heal, and I am staying on my medication.  I am having a difficult time being patient.