Chapter 30: Don't Stop Believing

This made me feel good this week!

"Steve Perry and 43,000 Friends NEVER 'Stop Believing' in the Giants - NLCS Game 5" 

You may remember the rock band Journey.  They were playing one of their songs, "Don't Stop Believin'", during the Giants National League Championship Series, Game 5 on 10/21/10.  One of the cameras caught Steve Perry, lead singer, standing up in the crowd singing his own song.  Awesome!

"Gotta love Steve Perry leading a packed house @ AT&T Park, San Francisco"

  


Steve Perry and Journey Performing "Don't Stop Believin'" In Concert
(I'm trying to find out where and when.)

This song, first featured on Journey's Escape album, was written by 

Jonathan Cain, Steve Perry, and Neal Schon; all members of Journey.

Don't Stop Believin'
- Journey
1981

Just a small town girl
Living in a lonely world
She took the midnight train going anywhere
Just a city boy
Born and raised in South Detroit
He took the midnight train going anywhere

A singer in a smoky room
A smell of wine and cheap perfume
For a smile they can share the night
It goes on and on and on and on

{Refrain}
Strangers, waiting, up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching in the night
Streetlight people, living just to find emotion
Hiding somewhere in the night

Working hard to get my fill
Everybody wants a thrill
Paying anything to roll the dice
Just one more time
Some will win, some will lose
Some were born to sing the blues
Oh the movie never ends
It goes on and on and on and on

{Refrain}

Don't stop believing
Hold on to that feeling
Streetlight people

Popularity:
The song reached #8 on Billboard's Mainstream Rock chart, and #9 on the Billboard Hot 100 chart. It also peaked at #62 on the UK singles chart. The song also has appeared in a number of film and television series, including The Wedding Singer, Monster, Shrek The Halls, The Comebacks and Scrubs.

Journey
Journey live in Minneapolis, Minnesota on September 16, 2008.
Background information
Origin	San Francisco, California
Genres	Rock, hard rock, pop rock, progressive rock, jazz-fusion, AOR
Years active	1973–1987; 1995–present
Labels	Columbia, Frontiers, Sanctuary
Associated acts	Santana, The Babys, Steve Perry, Hardline, Bad English, The Storm, Vital Information, The Zoo
Website	JourneyMusic.com
Members
Neal Schon Ross Valory Jonathan Cain Deen Castronovo Arnel Pineda

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Journey_%28band%29

Update on my treatment plan from the Amen Clinic:

After being on 300 mg of Effexor XR for 5 weeks a new side effect started, insomnia.  In the past, the side effects would start 3-4 days after raising the dose.  After a week of not sleeping well I was exhausted.  There had not been any other changes in my life that would have caused lack of sleep, so I lowered the dose of Effexor XR to 262.5 mg.  

I talked to my psychiatrist here at home and got his guidance on this decision.  This is the plan we decided on.  I stayed on 262.5 mg for 4 days and still could not sleep, so I lowered the dose to 225 mg.  Gradually, I started to sleep again and about 4 days later I was sleeping well.  The depression symptoms have not increased, but they have not decreased as I have been hoping and waiting for.

I have not been able to lower the dose of Luvox below 50 mg per day.  If I did, the depression symptoms became worse.  So I have increased the dose of Luvox to 75 mg a day, 25 mg in the morning, 25 mg in the afternoon, and 25 mg in the evening.  I will increase the dose to 100 mg a day if the depression symptoms do not improve.

So now I am taking 300 mg of Neurontin 4 times a day, 225 mg of Effexor XR once in the morning, 75 mg of Luvox 3 times a day, and the supplements and vitamins/minerals I have been taking for many months.  There are some days I feel good, but it does not stay consistent.  I am hoping all of the things I have been doing to heal are going to come together and work, soon!

DON'T STOP BELIEVING

Chapter 19: Effexor XR, Enlightened Relationships

I Can See a Normal Day in the Distance!

Last Wednesday I raised the dose of Effexor XR to 112.5 mg, and lowered the dose of Luvox to 25 mg two times per day.  I am feeling a shaky optimism. The changes are subtle, but I am feeling a little bit better; less fatigue, more energy, more desire to do things (especially in the late afternoon and evenings).  I'm not telling anyone but you. :)  This would be a gigantic breakthrough for me if I continue to feel more relief from my symptoms!

The disease of depression has taken a huge emotional toll on me.  Having everything in life be an effort is draining.  If you have been reading my blog, you already know I love the books, The Power of Now, and A New Earth, by Eckhart Tolle.  Prayer and the concepts in these books have not only helped me survive, but taught me skills that have helped with my healing.  These skills have helped me feel some happiness and joy, even though I am depressed.  I have talked about these concepts a lot in previous chapters of my blog.

The section on enlightened relationships in, The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle was extremely insightful for me, and a relief.  I will explain why.

In Chapter 8, page 159, Tolle says, "Never before have relationships been as problematic and conflict ridden as they are now.  As you may have noticed, they are not here to make you happy or fulfilled.  If you continue to pursue the goal of salvation through a relationship, you will be disillusioned again and again.  But if you accept that the relationship is here to make you conscious instead of happy, then the relationship will offer you salvation, and you will be aligning yourself with the higher consciousness that wants to be born into this world.  For those who hold on to the old patterns, there will be increasing pain, violence, confusion, and madness."

I talked about Tolle's definition of salvation in Chapter 18; here is a quick review.  "True salvation is fulfillment, peace, life in all its fullness.  True salvation is a state of freedom --- from fear, from suffering, from a perceived state of lack and insufficiency and therefore from all wanting, needing, grasping, and clinging."   My definition of salvation used to be having eternal life after I die.  Tolle's definition has broadened my perspective.  I believe eternal life will offer me all of the things mentioned in Tolle's definition of salvation; but I have started to feel a taste of "salvation" here on earth.  I have a strong desire to change my thinking, live in the Now, stay in my inner being or higher self, control my mind --- ego --- and pain-body, and not let the past or future be the focus of my life.  These are my goals as the depression heals.

I believe I am the only person that has the power to make me happy.  There is not a relationship in my life that can do it for me!  My relationships give me the opportunity to learn and practice the skills I mentioned above.  Tolle's teaching of these ideas was enlightening to me and a big relief. 

In Chapter 8, pages 147-148, Tolle explains, "Unless and until you access the consciousness frequency of presence, all relationships, and particularly intimate relationships, are deeply flawed and ultimately dysfunctional.  They may seem perfect for a while, such as when you are "in love", but invariably that apparent perfection gets disrupted as arguments, conflicts, dissatisfaction, and emotional or even physical violence occur with increasing frequency.  It seems that most 'love relationships' become love/hate relationships before long.  Love can then turn into savage attack, feelings of hostility, or complete withdrawal of affection at the flick of a switch.  This is considered normal.

The relationship then oscillates for a while, a few months or a few years, between the polarities of 'love' and hate, and it gives you as much pleasure as it gives you pain.  It is not uncommon for couples to become addicted to those cycles.  Their drama makes them feel alive.  When a balance between the positive/negative polarities is lost and the negative, destructive cycles occur with increasing frequency and intensity, which tends to happen sooner or later, then it will not be long before the relationship finally collapses."

Page 152, . . . "Intimate relationships do not cause pain and unhappiness.  They bring out the pain and unhappiness that is already in you.  Every addiction does that.  Every addiction reaches a point where it does not work for you anymore, and then you feel the pain more intensely than ever."

Page 153-154, . . . "You can change an addictive relationship into a true one by being present and intensifying your presence by taking your attention ever more deeply into the Now:  Whether you are living alone or with a partner, this remains the key.  For love to flourish, the light of your presence needs to be strong enough so that you no longer get taken over by the thinker or the pain-body and mistake them for who you are.  To know yourself as the Being underneath the thinker, the stillness underneath the mental noise, the love and joy underneath the pain, is freedom, salvation, enlightenment.  To disidentify from the pain-body is to bring presence into the pain and thus transmute it.  To disidentify from thinking is to be the silent watcher of your thoughts and behavior, especially the repetitive patterns of your mind and the roles played by the ego."

Page 160-161, "If you both agree that the relationship will be your spiritual practice, so much the better.  You can then express your thoughts and feelings to each other as soon as they occur, or as soon as a reaction comes up, so that you do not create a time gap in which an unexpressed or unacknowledged emotion or grievance can fester and grow.  Learn to give expression to what you feel without blaming.  Learn to listen to your partner in an open, nondefensive way.  Give your partner space for expressing himself or herself.  Be present.  Accusing, defending, attacking --- all those patterns that are designed to strengthen or protect the ego or to get its needs met will then become redundant.

Giving space to others --- and to yourself --- is vital.  Love cannot flourish without it.  When you have removed the two factors that are destructive to relationships --- when the pain-body has been transmuted and you are no longer identified with mind and mental positions --- and if your partner has done the same, you will experience the bliss of the flowering of relationship.  Instead of mirroring to each other your pain and your unconsciousness, instead of satisfying your mutual addictive ego needs, you will reflect back to each other the love that you feel deep within, the love that comes with the realization of your oneness with all that is.  This is the love that has no opposite."

What a challenge for me!