Chapter 3: Teaching Position, Major Depression

I had accepted a teaching position at an elementary school and it would be time to start my new career the first part of August. We had a short family trip planned before I went back to teaching. We drove to Aspen, Colorado to see Pat Benatar perform. The concert was sensational!  (Pat Benatars new book will be available on amazon.com June 15, 2010:  Between a Heart and a Rock Place: A Memoir.  You can check it out on a link in my Books and DVDs, I Recommend widget.)

I did not feel well on the trip. My back ached from sitting in the car too long, I felt tired, had a headache, and a feeling of dread. The night before we planned to come home I woke up during the night shaking with my first panic attack. I felt as if I would die if I could not get out of the hotel room! How was I going to soothe myself without waking everybody up? I took some clonazepam, turned on a flashlight, and started writing thank you notes for the flowers we had received when dad passed away. I survived the night.

I started teaching and tried hard to get into the routine of working full time. I was feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. At night I would dream I had forgotten to do something for dad, but it wasn't true. One Friday night my husband and I went out to dinner. I felt sick and miserable and wanted to go to bed. The next day I was pretty sure I had a sinus infection and went in to see a doctor. The sinus infection was confirmed, and I admitted to myself the amino acids were not effective anymore and major depression had returned. Perhaps I would have recognized it earlier if I had not been grieving at the time. I don't know.

I knew it would take six to eight weeks to begin feeling better after starting on an antidepressant. I was too sick to be the kind of teacher my students deserved. I decided it was in the best interest of the children in my class to resign. This was a hard decision to make. I felt disappointed, unprofessional, and angry at a disease I had battled before. I started back on Zoloft and the sinus infection slowly healed.

I felt good enough to attend my son's MBA graduation in Arizona. Actually, I don't think I felt good enough, but I was going anyway. Zoloft had given me a partial response to the depression symptoms, but I did not feel as well on the medication as I had previously. It was wonderful to spend time with my family, and I came back home with a renewed motivation to get feeling better.