Chapter 30: Don't Stop Believing

This made me feel good this week!

"Steve Perry and 43,000 Friends NEVER 'Stop Believing' in the Giants - NLCS Game 5" 

You may remember the rock band Journey.  They were playing one of their songs, "Don't Stop Believin'", during the Giants National League Championship Series, Game 5 on 10/21/10.  One of the cameras caught Steve Perry, lead singer, standing up in the crowd singing his own song.  Awesome!

"Gotta love Steve Perry leading a packed house @ AT&T Park, San Francisco"

  


Steve Perry and Journey Performing "Don't Stop Believin'" In Concert
(I'm trying to find out where and when.)

This song, first featured on Journey's Escape album, was written by 

Jonathan Cain, Steve Perry, and Neal Schon; all members of Journey.

Don't Stop Believin'
- Journey
1981

Just a small town girl
Living in a lonely world
She took the midnight train going anywhere
Just a city boy
Born and raised in South Detroit
He took the midnight train going anywhere

A singer in a smoky room
A smell of wine and cheap perfume
For a smile they can share the night
It goes on and on and on and on

{Refrain}
Strangers, waiting, up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching in the night
Streetlight people, living just to find emotion
Hiding somewhere in the night

Working hard to get my fill
Everybody wants a thrill
Paying anything to roll the dice
Just one more time
Some will win, some will lose
Some were born to sing the blues
Oh the movie never ends
It goes on and on and on and on

{Refrain}

Don't stop believing
Hold on to that feeling
Streetlight people

Popularity:
The song reached #8 on Billboard's Mainstream Rock chart, and #9 on the Billboard Hot 100 chart. It also peaked at #62 on the UK singles chart. The song also has appeared in a number of film and television series, including The Wedding Singer, Monster, Shrek The Halls, The Comebacks and Scrubs.

Journey
Journey live in Minneapolis, Minnesota on September 16, 2008.
Background information
Origin	San Francisco, California
Genres	Rock, hard rock, pop rock, progressive rock, jazz-fusion, AOR
Years active	1973–1987; 1995–present
Labels	Columbia, Frontiers, Sanctuary
Associated acts	Santana, The Babys, Steve Perry, Hardline, Bad English, The Storm, Vital Information, The Zoo
Website	JourneyMusic.com
Members
Neal Schon Ross Valory Jonathan Cain Deen Castronovo Arnel Pineda

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Journey_%28band%29

Update on my treatment plan from the Amen Clinic:

After being on 300 mg of Effexor XR for 5 weeks a new side effect started, insomnia.  In the past, the side effects would start 3-4 days after raising the dose.  After a week of not sleeping well I was exhausted.  There had not been any other changes in my life that would have caused lack of sleep, so I lowered the dose of Effexor XR to 262.5 mg.  

I talked to my psychiatrist here at home and got his guidance on this decision.  This is the plan we decided on.  I stayed on 262.5 mg for 4 days and still could not sleep, so I lowered the dose to 225 mg.  Gradually, I started to sleep again and about 4 days later I was sleeping well.  The depression symptoms have not increased, but they have not decreased as I have been hoping and waiting for.

I have not been able to lower the dose of Luvox below 50 mg per day.  If I did, the depression symptoms became worse.  So I have increased the dose of Luvox to 75 mg a day, 25 mg in the morning, 25 mg in the afternoon, and 25 mg in the evening.  I will increase the dose to 100 mg a day if the depression symptoms do not improve.

So now I am taking 300 mg of Neurontin 4 times a day, 225 mg of Effexor XR once in the morning, 75 mg of Luvox 3 times a day, and the supplements and vitamins/minerals I have been taking for many months.  There are some days I feel good, but it does not stay consistent.  I am hoping all of the things I have been doing to heal are going to come together and work, soon!

DON'T STOP BELIEVING

Chapter 24: Effexor XR, Please "Kick In" Soon

It felt good to vent in Chapter 23! :)

Effexor XR Catchup:  I did not feel any side effects from Effexor XR until I started on 150 mg.  I had a mild headache and constipation.  These are frequent side effects with this medication.  After 10 days the side effects diminished quite a bit, so I raised the dose to 187.5 mg.  I was relieved the side effects did not flare up again and my depression symptoms improved a little bit.  

Ten days later I raised the dose to 225 mg.  On this dosage I have noticed my appetite isn't as good.  I am not nauseated, but food doesn't sound or taste good.  It will be interesting to see if this side effect decreases in the next week to 10 days.  I have not been able to lower my dose of Luvox to less than 25 mg in the morning and 25 mg in the afternoon.  If I do, the depression symptoms become worse.

It has now been 9 days since I increased the dose of Effexor XR to 225 mg.  My lack of appetite has improved as well as the headaches and constipation.  I will probably wait to raise the dose to 262.5 mg until next Tuesday, which will be two weeks.  The improvement in the depression symptoms is subtle.  It has been a long wait!  I am hoping for a big improvement soon.

I have been reflecting on the past 29 years of dealing with the disease of depression.  I am going to talk about random memories I have.  If anyone would like to share their memories, opinions, or experiences about psychiatric diseases, please comment on my blog.  I would like to read your comments.

During the 1980's I was seeing a psychiatrist who had a psychologist working with him.  The psychologist met with support groups on different subjects.  For those of you who have never gone to a psychiatrist, you do not lie on a couch and talk about your dreams, hopes and desires.  (Like in some movies or shows.)  I have always sat in a chair and focused on my symptoms and what medications may be effective.  My life situation was discussed, but not in detail.  I have talked about my life situation in detail with a psychologist and a therapist.  It can be very helpful.  The psychiatrist I started going to in the 1980's was my doctor until he retired in 2009.  He had known me for so long I think he did know my life situation in great detail! 

I decided to join a depression support group led by the psychologist mentioned above.  The first night we met there were several of us sitting in the room waiting for the psychologist.  A man came to the doorway and said, "I'm not sure I am in the right place.  What group is this?"  The man sitting across from me said, "This is the depression support group."  The man in the doorway said, "Oh, thanks", and walked away.  "He doesn't want to be associated with the likes of us.  I can't say that I blame him."  This was said as a joke by the man who told him which group it was, and we were all laughing as the psychologist came into the room to begin the meeting.

I hope the prejudice against people with psychiatric diseases has improved since the 1980's.  When I was first diagnosed with depression in 1983 there were no ads on television about depression or the medications used to treat it.  There is more media attention in 2010, but I don't know if people are being educated about the fact that psychiatric disorders are diseases caused by areas of the brain not functioning correctly.  They are not a character flaw, or something you can just snap out of.  They are brain diseases that can be severely debilitating! 

A lot of people don't realize that depression is an illness. I don't wish it on anyone, but if they would know how it feels, I swear they would think twice before they just shrug it. 
Jonathan Davis 

Depression is a treatable medical illness like cancer and heart disease. – Judith Peacock 

For me being depressed means you can spend all day in bed, and still not get a good night’s rest. – Unknown 

That’s the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it’s impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key. – Elizabeth Wurtzel

Depression is a prison where you are both the suffering prisoner and the cruel jailer.  -- Dorothy Rowe 

"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are." — Anaïs Nin

 

Chapter 16: Effexor XR, Live My Life In The Now

A NORMAL DAY FOR ME, I BELIEVE YOU ARE ON YOUR WAY!

I started taking 37.5 mg of Effexor XR this morning.  I cut my 50 mg Luvox tablet down to 37.5 mg for both doses.  I will continue on these amounts for 7-10 days.  If I do not experience side effects, I will increase the Effexor XR to 75 mg and lower Luvox to 25 mg per dose next.  I will continue to increase Effexor XR until I feel improvement in my anxiety and depression symptoms.  My psychiatrist at the Amen Clinic has recommended I raise the dosage to 225 mg, if I don't feel better at a lower dose.  I will talk to him again the first week in August.  He is positive and supportive and keeps me motivated.  He reminds me what an accomplishment it is to have been off the beast (Klonopin) for 9 weeks!

I had an appointment with a psychiatrist here in my own city that supports my visit to the Amen Clinic.  AWESOME!  I learned a lot at my appointment with him, it was intellectually stimulating, and he was helpful.  AWESOME!  Thank you for being a doctor who thinks progressively and is so comfortable in his own skin that my visit to the Amen Clinic is not threatening to him.  Did I tell you how AWESOME I think this is! :)

I have been listening to, The Power of Now, on CD by Eckhart Tolle every day.  His words keep me focused on recovery and not stuck in the misery of not feeling well.  Every night in my prayers I ask for help in understanding and integrating these concepts in my life.  I believe these concepts are teachings my Higher Power wants me to understand.  They correlate with scriptures I have read for many years.

I love these words by Tolle, "Have you ever experienced, done, thought, or felt anything outside the Now?  Do you think you ever will?  Is it possible for anything to happen or be outside the Now?  The answer is obvious, is it not?

Nothing ever happened in the past; it happened in the Now.

Nothing will ever happen in the future; it will happen in the Now.

What you think of as the past is a memory trace, stored in the mind, of a former Now.  When you remember the past, you reactivate a memory trace--and you do so now.  The future is an imagined Now, a projection of the mind.  When the future comes, it comes as the Now.  When you think about the future, you do it now.  Past and future obviously have no reality of their own.  Just as the moon has no light of its own, but can only reflect the light of the sun, so are past and future only pale reflections of the light, power, and reality of the eternal present.  Their reality is 'borrowed' from the Now.

The essence of what I am saying here cannot be understood by the mind.  The moment you grasp it, there is a shift in consciousness from mind to Being, from time to presence.  Suddenly, everything feels alive, radiates energy, emanates Being.

Since ancient times, spiritual masters of all traditions have pointed to the Now as the key to the spiritual dimension.  Despite this, it seems to have remained a secret.  It is certainly not taught in churches and temples.  If you go to a church, you may hear reading from the Gospels such as 'Take no thought for the morrow; for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself,' or 'Nobody who puts his hands to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.'  Or you might hear the passage about the beautiful flowers that are not anxious about tomorrow but live with ease in the timeless Now and are provided for abundantly by God.  The depth and radical nature of these teachings are not recognized.  No one seems to realize that they are meant to be lived and so bring about a profound inner transformation."

I want this inner transformation.  Is it really possible for me to be so completely present that no problem or suffering; nothing that is not who I am in my essence, can survive in me?  In the Now, in the absence of time, can all my problems dissolve?  I want to find out!