Chapter 18: "Fulfillment, Peace, Life in all its Fullness."

Sixteen days on Effexor XR, seven of them on the higher dose of 75 mg in the morning.  I decided to not lower Luvox quite so quickly.  I am taking 25 mg in the morning and 37.5 mg in the afternoon.  In three more days I will increase Effexor XR to 112.5 mg and lower Luvox to 25 mg on both doses.  I have had short periods of time where I feel the depression symptoms are lifting.  I am still not feeling side effects or withdrawal, which is a huge positive!

I am still hopeful.  I am trying to take life a day at a time.  Prayer and faith in my Higher Power to give me direction are sustaining me.  Listening to Eckhart Tolle every day helps me stay focused on the Now, not spending much time in the past or making up a possible future.  Chapter 8 in, The Power of Now, A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment, Tolle explains what he believes salvation is.  

"True salvation is fulfillment, peace, life in all its fullness.  It is to be who you are, to feel within you the good that has no opposite, the joy of Being that depends on nothing outside itself.  It is felt not as a passing experience but as an abiding presence.  In theistic language, it is to 'know God' --- not as something outside you but as your own innermost essence.  (I believe this is my spirit, which Tolle calls the inner being.  I believe my spirit is a literal offspring of my Higher Power.)  True salvation is to know yourself as an inseparable part of the timeless and formless One Life from which all that exists derives its being.

True salvation is a state of freedom --- from fear, from suffering, from a perceived state of lack and insufficiency and therefore from all wanting, needing, grasping, and clinging.  It is freedom from compulsive thinking, from negativity, and above all from past and future as a psychological need.  Your mind is telling you that you cannot get there from here.  Something needs to happen, or you need to become this or that before you can be free and fulfilled.  It is saying, in fact, that you need time --- that you need to find, sort out, do, achieve, acquire, become, or understand something before you can be free or complete.  

You see time as the means to salvation, whereas in truth it is the greatest obstacle to salvation.  You think that you can't get there from where and who you are at this moment because you are not yet complete or good enough, but the truth is that here and now is the only point from where you can get there.  You 'get' there by realizing that you are there already.  You find God the moment you realize that you don't need to seek God.  So there is no only way to salvation:  Any condition can be used, but no particular condition is needed.  However, there is only one point of access: the Now.  There can be no salvation away from this moment.

There is nothing you can ever do or attain that will get you closer to salvation than it is at this moment.  This may be hard to grasp for a mind accustomed to thinking that everything worthwhile is in the future.  Nor can anything that you ever did or that was done to you in the past prevent you from saying yes to what is and taking your attention deeply into the Now.  You cannot do this in the future.  You do it now or not at all."

Fulfillment, peace, life in all its fullness ... a state of freedom --- from fear, from suffering, from a perceived state of lack and insufficiency, wanting, needing, grasping, and clinging ... freedom from compulsive thinking, from negativity, and above all from past and future as a psychological need.  This is what I want.  I am getting better at Living in the Now everyday.

Chapter 17: Effexor XR, ADHD & Viral Meningitis

I have been on 37.5 mg of Effexor XR for 9 days and I feel the same.  This is a good thing!  I have not felt any side effects or withdrawal symptoms from lowering the dose of Luvox.  (Or at least not enough to notice.)  I will go up to 75 mg of Effexor XR tomorrow morning, and lower the dose of Luvox to 25 mg in the morning and 25 mg in the afternoon.  I am hopeful!

I think it was my last post I mentioned the new psychiatrist in my city that supports my trip to the Amen Clinic.  I think I told you how AWESOME he is.  :)  He discussed an interesting possibility with me.  I was diagnosed with ADHD from the results of my brain scans at the Amen Clinic.  I feel I have had ADHD for the past 2 1/2 years, but not my whole life.  My doctor was a teacher and researcher at a university before he recently went into private practice.  The research he was involved with indicated there is usually something that precipitates the onset of ADHD later in someone's life.

He asked me if I had a brain injury, or a major illness such as encephalitis or meningitis.  I said no, but then I said wait a minute, I may have had meningitis.  In February of 2003 I went in to the emergency room on a Friday night with a severe head and neck ache.  They gave me morphine in an IV for the pain and said it could be meningitis, but I didn't seem sick enough to warrant a spinal tap (lumbar puncture).

By Sunday morning the pain in my head and neck was excruciating; I had never felt anything like it before.  I may have passed out more than once as my husband drove me to the hospital.  I was in such bad shape I was admitted immediately into the emergency room, no waiting!  :)  The fluid in the spinal tap was negative for bacterial meningitis.  My white blood count was extremely high, but they couldn't find a specific cause of the infection.  I was given morphine through an IV that whole day and sent home Sunday night.  The possibility of viral meningitis was never mentioned.

The next four days I took a combination of prescription pain killers.  I could barely get out of bed and had no appetite because of nausea.  I could not tolerate any light and had to keep my room dimly lit.  By Wednesday of that week I could no longer tolerate the pain.  The pleading with my Higher Power changed in content from asking for help, to asking if this was the time for me to die.  I had never been so sick and I asked my Higher Power if death was going to be the outcome, "Could we do it now?"  If I had a choice I wanted to stay to finish raising my sons, but if that wasn't part of the plan I was ready to "move on".  I remember feeling surprised at how simple the decision was.

Thursday night as I went to sleep I was planning on asking my husband to admit me to the hospital the next morning. Friday morning I woke up slowly and realized the fever had broken and food sounded good.  I believed recovery was possible and I felt blessed.  Full recovery took another week.  Now I believe I had viral meningitis.  This inflammation in the membranes around my spinal cord and brain may have made me more vulnerable to ADHD.  Interesting!  Here are the symptoms and the differences in meningitis and encephalitis if you would like more information.  

Taken from:

http://www.ehow.com/facts_6186800_difference-between-meningitis-_amp_-encephalitis.html

Difference Between Meningitis & Encephalitis

By Anjus Chiedozie, eHow Contributing Writer

I want to do this! What's This?

Meningitis and encephalitis are two medical conditions that involve inflammation, thus the suffix "itis." Despite their similarities, meningitis and encephalitis are not quite the same.

Description

1. Meningitis is an inflammation of meninges, which are membranes that envelop the nervous system, particularly the brain and spinal cord. Encephalitis is an inflammation of the brain itself.

 

Causes

2. Meningitis usually results from either viral or bacterial infection. Encephalitis is usually caused by viral infection.

 

Symptoms

3. Symptoms of meningitis and encephalitis include high fever, seizures and headache. Additional symptoms of meningitis include stiff neck, vomiting or nausea with the headache, and sensitivity to light. Encephalitis-specific symptoms include hallucinations, tremors and loss of consciousness.

 

Treatment

4. Bacterial meningitis is usually combated with intravenous antibiotics. People infected with viral meningitis or encephalitis usually require substantial fluid intake, over-the-counter pain medications and lots of rest for treatment.

 

Prevention

5. Bacterial meningitis can be prevented by maintaining a healthy lifestyle and avoiding instances that can put you in contact with bacteria. Viral meningitis and encephalitis can be avoided by immunization, and preventative measures include keeping away from major viral agents such as mosquitoes.

Read more: Difference Between Meningitis & Encephalitis | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/facts_6186800_difference-between-meningitis-_amp_-encephalitis.html#ixzz0u5llOx3N

Chapter 16: Effexor XR, Live My Life In The Now

A NORMAL DAY FOR ME, I BELIEVE YOU ARE ON YOUR WAY!

I started taking 37.5 mg of Effexor XR this morning.  I cut my 50 mg Luvox tablet down to 37.5 mg for both doses.  I will continue on these amounts for 7-10 days.  If I do not experience side effects, I will increase the Effexor XR to 75 mg and lower Luvox to 25 mg per dose next.  I will continue to increase Effexor XR until I feel improvement in my anxiety and depression symptoms.  My psychiatrist at the Amen Clinic has recommended I raise the dosage to 225 mg, if I don't feel better at a lower dose.  I will talk to him again the first week in August.  He is positive and supportive and keeps me motivated.  He reminds me what an accomplishment it is to have been off the beast (Klonopin) for 9 weeks!

I had an appointment with a psychiatrist here in my own city that supports my visit to the Amen Clinic.  AWESOME!  I learned a lot at my appointment with him, it was intellectually stimulating, and he was helpful.  AWESOME!  Thank you for being a doctor who thinks progressively and is so comfortable in his own skin that my visit to the Amen Clinic is not threatening to him.  Did I tell you how AWESOME I think this is! :)

I have been listening to, The Power of Now, on CD by Eckhart Tolle every day.  His words keep me focused on recovery and not stuck in the misery of not feeling well.  Every night in my prayers I ask for help in understanding and integrating these concepts in my life.  I believe these concepts are teachings my Higher Power wants me to understand.  They correlate with scriptures I have read for many years.

I love these words by Tolle, "Have you ever experienced, done, thought, or felt anything outside the Now?  Do you think you ever will?  Is it possible for anything to happen or be outside the Now?  The answer is obvious, is it not?

Nothing ever happened in the past; it happened in the Now.

Nothing will ever happen in the future; it will happen in the Now.

What you think of as the past is a memory trace, stored in the mind, of a former Now.  When you remember the past, you reactivate a memory trace--and you do so now.  The future is an imagined Now, a projection of the mind.  When the future comes, it comes as the Now.  When you think about the future, you do it now.  Past and future obviously have no reality of their own.  Just as the moon has no light of its own, but can only reflect the light of the sun, so are past and future only pale reflections of the light, power, and reality of the eternal present.  Their reality is 'borrowed' from the Now.

The essence of what I am saying here cannot be understood by the mind.  The moment you grasp it, there is a shift in consciousness from mind to Being, from time to presence.  Suddenly, everything feels alive, radiates energy, emanates Being.

Since ancient times, spiritual masters of all traditions have pointed to the Now as the key to the spiritual dimension.  Despite this, it seems to have remained a secret.  It is certainly not taught in churches and temples.  If you go to a church, you may hear reading from the Gospels such as 'Take no thought for the morrow; for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself,' or 'Nobody who puts his hands to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.'  Or you might hear the passage about the beautiful flowers that are not anxious about tomorrow but live with ease in the timeless Now and are provided for abundantly by God.  The depth and radical nature of these teachings are not recognized.  No one seems to realize that they are meant to be lived and so bring about a profound inner transformation."

I want this inner transformation.  Is it really possible for me to be so completely present that no problem or suffering; nothing that is not who I am in my essence, can survive in me?  In the Now, in the absence of time, can all my problems dissolve?  I want to find out!

Chapter 15: Clonazepam The Beast, Effexor XR

During the past month since I posted on my blog I have been trying to eliminate the withdrawal symptoms from clonazepam (generic for Klonopin).  I have not made much progress!  The main symptom being extreme anxiety. Starting Wellbutrin also increased anxiety.  On the fourth day the anxiety was so extreme I did not take anymore.  I took regular Wellbutrin, instead of SR or XL which was what my psychiatrist at the Amen Clinic recommended.  I think that was a mistake!  I was disappointed, but I didn't want to try Wellbutrin again!  The anxiety makes my body feel like it is going to explode from the inside.  This feeling is a new one to me, very uncomfortable, and I am weary!

I was first prescribed clonazepam for the anxiety caused by the antidepressant Zoloft.  I did not feel anxious until I started on the medication, and the anxiety was mild.  There was evidence at this time of clonazepam causing scalloping on the brain and of it being highly addictive.  There was also evidence the anticonvulsive class of drugs helped with anxiety.  My psychiatrist at the time didn't know this information about clonazepam (or maybe he didn't agree with it), but he helped me recover from a major depression more than once.  Now I want to come back to the "present" and not spend any more time in the past.

One bright spot in the past month was talking to my psychiatrist at the Amen Clinic by phone on June 16.  He was happy to hear I had been off clonazepam for over 5 weeks.  He was positive and supportive and boosted my spirits.  He reminded me what an accomplishment it is to be off this drug!  He said I had been on clonazepam for so long it could be causing depression!  He recommended I wait until my body had been free of the drug for 8 weeks before we decide to change or add medications to my treatment.  I did add 5-HTP, also known as oxitriptan (INN), a naturally-occurring amino acid, chemical precursor and a metabolic intermediate in the biosynthesis of the neurotransmitters serotonin and melatonin from tryptophan.  I will talk to my psychiatrist again on July 7 after being off the beast (clonazepam) for over 8 weeks.

I have not noticed any difference in how I feel after adding 5-HTP, except maybe a little nausea.  I am ready to take the next step in my treatment plan, adding Effexor XR.  This is what my treatment plan from the Amen Clinic says about Effexor XR:  "At low dosages, Effexor XR will help anxiety, depression and obsessive thinking, and at high dosages will help ADHD symptoms.  An antidepressant with action at multiple receptor sites, Effexor XR will enhance prefrontal cortex function and decrease anterior cingulate and limbic hyperactivity.  Effexor XR has a starting dosage of 37.5 mg daily, increasing by one every 7 days as tolerated, to the therapeutic target dose of 75 mg to 350 mg.  It should be taken with food to avoid upset stomach.  Effexor should not be stopped abruptly because it has been associated with a discontinuation syndrome in some patients.  At higher dosages, blood pressure should be monitored.  If Effexor XR causes more irritability, I would increase the anticonvulsant to stabilize the temporal lobes, enhance mood stability, and decrease anxiety or irritability."

I was on Effexor (not Effexor XR) about 10 years ago.  The nausea it caused didn't stop, so I changed to Zoloft.  The problem with nausea could have been caused by going on the medication too quickly.  This time I will increase the dosage more slowly.  I experienced the discontinuation syndrome mentioned above when coming off Effexor.  At this point, I expect to be on an antidepressant for the rest of my life so I am not concerned about discontinuing the drug.  I will need to lower the dose of Luvox as I add Effexor XR.  I have a positive attitude and will discuss the treatment plan with my psychiatrist next week.

I am ready to have a normal day not based on surviving!  "Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are." (by Mary Jean Iron)